Effects of social Media on Relationships

How would we even live withoutsocial media? In a world where our phones are the first and last thing we see every morning and night, it's no wonder social media can affect our relationships, both online and offline. "Research shows that, on average, we spend two or more hours a day on social media," explains communication expert and author Leslie Shore. She warns that fostering relationships online can hurt our relationships offline, but they can also make us less able to communicate. "Those that have limited experience in reading people do not have the same level of social intelligence previous generations possess. 

If this becomes the new normal, building strong, deep relationships will take more time and will be more difficult to maintain."

Meet the Expert

Leslie Shore is a communication expert who has worked with governmental organizations, corporations, civic groups, and teaches at several universities in the Minneapolis area.

When we are constantly tied to our phones checking work emails, news alerts, or simply scrolling through Instagram, it's imperative that we learn to balance this with offline time with our loved ones. "The hold our devices have on us is invisible until someone actively calls to our attention the fact that we are paying more attention to the device than the person with whom we are conversing," says Shore. "It is almost impossible to create or enhance relationships when social media is, in the first place, taking our time an attention away from who is in front of us." So how do we keep our relationships strong in the age of social media?

Take Shore's advice on how social media affects relationships—and what we can do to fix it.

Be Extra Careful in Early Relationship Stages

While the overuse of social media at any stage of a relationship can have negative effects, Shore argues that it's worse in the early stages. "At the beginning of a relationship, we attend to the other person because we want to get to know them," she explains. "We listen to their likes and dislikes, history, family dynamics, dreams, and fears. We spend hours in conversation, discovering each other. No fact too small, no story too long. The building of the relationship has newness and surprises. During this time, it is critical that cellphones are out of sight while in conversation to ensure total concentration on the other."

She also warns about the dangers of messages getting misconstrued via text, especially when you're still getting to know each other: "Texting between each other should be positive and factual. Do not allow jokes or sarcasm to creep in, as they don’t translate well, and create a rift instantaneously."

Think Twice Before Posting Anything Personal

While social media can have negative effects on a relationship across the board, Shore advocates for the need to be mindful of our partner when interacting on social media. "Don't respond to a post or comment out of emotion," she says. "Take time to process what you have read or seen and allow yourself time to reflect on your thoughts before commenting out of anger or frustration. Remember that everyone is entitled to their own opinions."

In the same vein, while you may be tempted to share all aspects of your life, remember that your partner may not be on the same page: "Keep your personal conversations personal. There is no need to take your private life public. Posting about your partner’s choice of a birthday present for you or gossiping about your S.O. are communications best left out of the public eye."

Always Keep Your Loved Ones Top of Mind

While there is always risk in navigating social media and relationships, there are also ways to ensure that your communication stays strong: "Stay truly connected to those who matter," explains Shore. "Don't wish your family a happy birthday on Facebook—pick up the phone or make the trip to see them. Instead of sending invites, thank you cards, and holiday cards online, send your loved ones something they can keep forever."

As our social media networks continue to grow, the expert also recommends being mindful of people's beliefs and values: "Remember who your friends are. Before sharing your thoughts on politics or religion, or posting something provocative or controversial, keep in mind who your audience is. Is it worth creating tension with your family, friends, or co-workers?

Social Media and Relationships

Social media has undoubtedly blown up the world of beginning, maintaining, and ending relationships.

While I’ve aged out of the dating pool, I remember the discovery of instant messenger (IM) and chat rooms when I was in junior high–my girlfriends and I immediately recognized this technological advance for the miracle it was: a way to flirt with boys!

Luckily, this was also pre-cell phone and digital camera, our banter was ridiculously innocent and naive, and we all avoided abduction to laugh about it today

Remember Instant Messanger?

In college, IM provided an additional form of social lubricant: you could connect with someone through your sheer wit and words per minute rather than awkwardly painful real life, face-to-face interactions. 

It seemed genius: instead of fumbling around with an excuse to start a conversation with someone, you just typed “hey.” You didn’t have to worry about your facial expression, food in your teeth, the pitch of your voice, the palpitations of your heart.

If someone didn’t respond, you could just assume they were busy–at least it was a lot less uncomfortable than someone rolling their eyes or walking away from you in person.

But it was weird too because sometimes the online relationships you developed with someone didn’t translate well into real life.

You would “chat” late into the night with someone, as close as down the hall, trading stories about your childhood, insecurities, life plans, and lots of LOLs–then would see them in the dining hall the next day and… nothing.

You could talk again the next night and never acknowledge the relationship outside of the IM window on the computer. 

Relationships and Online Dating

I remember when a very close friend of mine, who in the dawn of internet relationships and pre-online dating websites “met” a guy on ‘Hot or Not,’ where you submitted pictures of yourself and others would rate you as, you guessed it, hot or not.

She lived on the east coast, he the west coast–and she was 9 years his junior; a junior in high school.

Well, this story could have had a bad ending, but the guy ended up being awesome and when she became a legal adult, she finally opened up to her parents about the “relationship.” 

She took a few years off the age difference at first, and he finally met her parents, who were nervous/skeptical, but ended up liking him a lot too because it turned out he was a really good guy! The age gap was finally fessed up to, and they dated for a number of years.

The telling anecdote about this story: when my friend and I were talking about the whole mess of it, she, at the time, stated that the most embarrassing thing that had happened to her up until that point in life had been having to tell her parents about her internet boyfriend!

At the time, to admit you met someone on the interweb was considered pretty sketchy and possibly meant that you were extremely desperate or severely disfigured.

“Social media has changed the way begin, maintain, and end relationships.”

However, now meeting someone and initiating a relationship through an online dating website or even through social media is the norm. 

It removes some of the social challenges, such as being able to manage how people view you and what they know about you, and provides some sense of freedom from the risk of rejection.

It allows you to let someone get to know you on your own terms, which might be empowering and encourage someone to take more risks with self-disclosing and opening up. 

However, communicating through such a managed and manufactured construction of how you want others to view you might create a false sense of intimacy or even perpetuate insecurities or social anxiety–you might suspect that people preferred your internet “self” as opposed to your flawed and unfiltered “real-time” self. 

Overall, for most people, there is some anxiety associated with meeting someone for the first time and some comfort in doing it electronically, but it’s important to consider how to translate that into the real world.

There are hundreds of dating apps on the market.

The Impact of Social Media on Relationships

Social media has impacted how relationships grow and sustain themselves.

On one hand, social media and technology have allowed relationships to be established and sustained from a physical distance.

On the other hand, social media may have “ruined dating,” in the sense that the courtship process can now occur almost entirely over the internet and decrease the incentive to make a commitment.

The search for perfection may make you even less likely to commit, especially when potential flaws or incompatibilities emerge.

With other options always easily available via the web, it may not seem worth it to work through a potential obstacle or overlook a potential flaw to see if the relationship has potential.

With access to a limitless supply of paramours, it can feel like ‘settling’ to label yourself as being in an exclusive relationship.

You can also privately juggle multiple relationships at once, which can make it difficult to give anyone relationship the attention needed to really assess whether it could develop and become meaningful.

A rotating roster of relationship candidates can promote a false sense of what one person can truly provide another, and possibly stunt someone from learning how to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship in the future.

Not only has social media changed how we initiate and maintain relationships, it has impacted our ability to end them and move on with our lives. 

An NPR special on online dating noted that “texting and social media make romantic ties simultaneously easy to avoid and harder to shake.” The termination of a relationship just doesn’t mean what it used to. 

Pre-internet, if you broke up with someone and wanted to avoid reminders of their existence, you could do so fairly easily: destroy their photographs, change your routine, move to a new town, etc.

Now, all of your ex’s lives, future partners, and future children can be viewed in the comfort of your own bedroom every night.

Even if you ‘block’ them, friends of friends who are friends of theirs can lead to unpleasant surprise ‘interactions,’ which can be unsettling and perhaps prevent someone from getting the psychological distance they need from an ex. 

Developers are coming up with ways to limit such opportunities, such as Eternal Sunshine, named after the film where ex’s undergo treatment in order to have each other erased from their memories. This program proposes to digitally erase all reminders of an ex.

This comic was created by Drew Brockington.

Use Social Media to Strengthen Connections

So, if you are trying to meet someone using social media, remember that in order to find out if you have a connection, it is important to make an effort to get to know someone without the distraction of multiple potential love interests. 

Keep in mind that flaws are what make us interesting, and part of the fun of getting to know someone and developing a relationship is to overcome challenges and be vulnerable together. 

Make sure to save some interactions for real-time in-person communication, so as to give yourselves opportunities to experience life from the same perspective, and to engage in mutually shared experiences.

Don’t get caught up in the FOMO (“fear of missing out”) or social comparison with your ex’s virtual life. It distracts you from moving on with your life and can open wounds that need to heal. 

Focus on how technology can strengthen your bonds with others, and be keen on how it can also distract us from getting what we want: healthy, sustainable relationships that make us feel good about ourselves.